How to get your teen talking
Remember when your child told you everything? Every playground drama, every conversation from the day… fast forward a few years and you feel lucky to get a grunt. Don’t worry – in most cases it’s just teenagers being teenagers.
Why is communication harder in the teen years?
They’re trying to be independent, which is totally normal.
They feel misunderstood or judged. Even well-intentioned advice can feel like a lecture.
They’re overwhelmed or dealing with stress or anxiety.
They don’t know how to start the conversation.
How can I create the right environment to talk?
Try "pacing and leading": Meet your teen at their current emotional level (pacing) before trying to guide them towards a calmer state or a deeper conversation (leading). Use your tone and your volume to encourage a calmer pace to the conversation.
Ask open-ended, low-stakes questions: Avoid interrogative questions like "How was school?" or "Why are you always angry?". Instead, use softer questions, "What was the most interesting part of your day?" or "I noticed you’ve been a bit quieter today, everything going ok?". Sharing a story of your own can also help.
Practice "side-by-side" communication: Teenagers often find eye-to-eye, face-to-face conversations intense and confrontational. Talk to them while driving, cooking, walking, or playing video games. Sometimes the most meaningful conversations are had over the phone. Everyone is different.
Externalise the problem: Separate your teenager from the issue. Talk about "the stress" or "the anxiety" as an outside force they are dealing with, rather than treating it as a flaw in their character.
If they open up, stay calm – even if what they say surprises you. If you turn it into a drama, they could be less likely to open up to you again.
When to listen and when to give advice
It’s tempting to rush in with advice, but sometimes teenagers just want to vent. If you’re unsure, ask directly whether they want you to listen or offer advice.
