Getting past awkward

Relationships and sex education

_{^{A GUIDE TO THE SECONDARY YEARS}}_^|_{^{RELATIONSHIPS & SEX EDUCATION}}_{^{| PUBERTY & HYGIENE}}

Relationships and sex education

At secondary school, teens will be learning a lot about relationships – and not only in lessons. Parents and carers can often feel uncomfortable talking about these subjects, but if you want to help your teens navigate these tricky areas, it’s time to step outside the comfort zone.

What changes in puberty?

Puberty doesn’t arrive to a schedule. Some young people start showing signs at 8 or 9 years, while for others it doesn’t show up until 14 or 15 – both are normal.

Puberty is driven by a surge of hormones like oestrogen and testosterone that trigger physical changes including:

growth spurts
sweating
body hair
skin changes
voice changes in boys
breast development and menstruation in girls.

Hormones affect mood, energy and concentration, which means you can also expect mood swings and intense emotions.

What about hygiene?

During puberty, hormones activate sweat glands and make skin oilier, so hygiene becomes even more important.

A daily shower, deodorant, a skincare routine and washing clothes regularly can help. If your teen needs a nudge, keep the conversation light-hearted and practical and avoid judgement. Framing it along the lines of ‘everybody goes through this’, and sharing your own hygiene frustrations can help – make sure they don’t feel they’re ‘doing it wrong’.

Menstrual health and periods

Periods usually start between 10 and 15 years. Schools usually cover menstruation, but it’s a good idea to have a talk as well so you know your teen has the basics covered. It’s better to talk before their first period arrives, so they’re prepared – first periods can turn up at the most inconvenient moment.

Keep it matter of fact and try focussing on practicalities – pads versus period underwear, noting the date of their periods so they know when to expect the next one, periods and physical activities, dealing with painful periods.

What about boys?

It’s just as important to talk to boys about their bodily changes. You don’t have to do it all at once. Short, age-appropriate chats often work better than a formal, sit-down talk. Sometimes adding humour can help. Acknowledging that puberty is odd, confusing and occasionally gross can break through the awkwardness. Above all, make sure they know what they’re experiencing is part of growing up.

_{^{A GUIDE TO THE SECONDARY YEARS}}_^|_{^{RELATIONSHIPS & SEX EDUCATION}}_{^{| WHAT DO SCHOOLS TEACH?}}

What do schools teach about relationships, sex and health?

Relationships, sex and education (RSE) is mandatory in schools in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. In Scotland, it’s called relationships, sexual health and parenthood (RSHP), and although statutory guidance exists, it’s not a compulsory subject.

Some of the many topics covered in secondary school RSE (or RSHP) are:

contraception and preventing sexually transmitted disease
pregnancy
sexual harassment and violence, with the message that it’s never the victim's fault
online safety and the risks of sharing images
the unrealistic portrayal of sex and relationships in pornography
newer topics like AI-generated images and misogyny.

Schools decide the timings and depth they’ll go into, using professional judgement about what's age appropriate. You have the right to see the school’s policy and to know what's being taught in each year group. It’s worth reading the policy, so you know what the school has covered and can continue the conversation at home without duplicating or contradicting anything.

Up until three terms before their 16th birthday, you can withdraw your child from sex education (but not relationships or health education). After that, if your child wants to receive sex education, the school should make arrangements for this to happen in one of the three terms before they turn 16¹.

_{^{1. Relationships education, relationships and sex education (RSE) and health education: FAQs –}}_^Gov.uk

_{^{A GUIDE TO THE SECONDARY YEARS}}_^|_{^{RELATIONSHIPS & SEX EDUCATION}}_{^{| TALKING TO YOUR TEEN}}

Talking to your teen about relationships and sex

Many parents or carers feel awkward talking about anything to do with sex and relationships, so if you’ve ever found yourself stumbling over your words, or having vague conversations that leave you both none the wiser, you’re not alone.

It’s usually easier to avoid having ‘The Talk’. Try chatting about something like a TV storyline, a news story or someone else’s relationship – this can get a conversation started and keep the door open for future talks.

If you’re finding it tricky, there are books to help, including for neurodivergent teens. Some teens will be more comfortable with a book they can read in their own time and own bedroom than a conversation.

Here are some ways to handle difficult areas.

Healthy relationships and boundaries

Talk about what a respectful relationship looks like:

Both people listen to each another.
There’s no pressure to do things if one of you isn’t comfortable.
You’re both happy for the other person to have other friends.
You can disagree without sulking or guilt-tripping.

It also helps to name controlling behaviours as red flags — constant checking up, isolating them from friends, jealousy dressed up as care. Controlling behaviour can be subtle and happen over time. Don’t expect your teen to spot it.

Consent

Keep discussions about consent simple and consistent:

Any sexual contact without consent is illegal.
Consent has to be given freely.
It can be withdrawn at any point.
Being silent, or not saying no explicitly, isn't saying yes.

Consent doesn’t just apply to sex. It’s a useful concept for physical affection and personal space, and for sharing photos or other content.

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Contraception and sexual health

Talking about sex may not be the easiest conversation you have with your teen, but it’s better they get accurate information from you than picking it up second-hand.

At the very least, make sure they know where they can go for advice:

their GP
a pharmacist
a sexual health clinic
organisations such as Brook, the Family Planning Association or youth organisations.

Some things you could consider talking about:

Being prepared: where to buy condoms, how to get the pill.
What to do if they’re not comfortable using a particular type of contraception.
Condoms prevent infections, but the pill and other forms of contraception don’t.
Where to get emergency contraception.
Sexual health services are confidential for under-16s unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns.

_{^{A GUIDE TO THE SECONDARY YEARS}}_^|_{^{RELATIONSHIPS & SEX EDUCATION}}_{^{| ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS & RISKS}}

Online relationships and risks

Be curious but not nosey

Talk about the apps, games, social media, and other sites they’re using.
Ask who they’re talking to online and where they met them.
Make sure they have privacy settings switched on.

Talk about the risks of online grooming

Grooming is when someone builds up a relationship through shared interests, compliments and gifts, then manipulates them into doing something sexual, such as sharing photos or videos. People don’t always recognise they’re being groomed, as they think the relationship is genuine.

If a person does any of the following, that’s a red flag:

tells your teen to keep the relationship secret
moves the conversation from public platforms to private messaging apps
moves the relationship on very fast
switches to sexual conversation – this can start gradually with jokes and then move to inappropriate questions and discussion
pushes your teen to send sexual images
flatters them or sends gifts, such as online vouchers or phone credit.

If you’re worried, talk to your teen, keep a record of any evidence and report it to the police.

Tell them about the risks of sharing information

Make sure they know they should only share private details such as their name, age, phone number, school and photographs with people they know, who they are absolutely sure will look after this information.

No matter how sensible you think they are, remind them to be careful who they send images to – even if that’s a friend. Even if they think someone is 100% trustworthy, once they press send on an image, they’ve lost control of it and who it’s shared with. It’s worth pointing out that AI can easily use their image to generate fake sexual images that can be shared across the internet.

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Gender dysphoria in young people

The NHS explains gender dysphoria as when you feel distressed or uncomfortable for a long time because the gender you feel you are (your gender identity) is different to your sex registered at birth².

If your teen raises it with you, the most helpful way to respond is to listen. Reacting with shock, dismissal or over-enthusiasm can make them less likely to keep talking.

Contact your GP for support – they can refer you to the NHS’s gender services for children and young people. Charities such as Childline offer confidential support. The school should have a teacher or adult who is a designated safeguarding lead who can talk you through the support available at school, including uniforms, facilities and bullying.

It’s important to note that being transgender is not a mental illness and this does impact on the type of support that’s available.

^{2. Gender dysphoria and incongruence –}^NHS

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Where can I find out more?

NHS	Hormones, puberty and sexuality Hygiene for young people and teenagers Gender dysphoria and incongruence
Childline	For young people up to age 19 including information on gender identity and grooming
Health for teens	Bitesize information on a range of physical and emotional health topics for teenagers including growing up, relationships and sexual health
Internet Matters	Information and advice to parents and carers to help their children navigate the ever-changing digital landscape. Including practical advice on how to spot signs and handle disclosures regarding online grooming.
NSPCC Talk Relationships	Resources to support secondary school-aged young people across the UK, helping them learn about sex and relationships in a safe education environment that recognises, responds to and prevents abuse.
AXA Health family health hub	Articles and videos on navigating family life including: Top tips in navigating the teenage years Practical tools for parents with teens/tweens

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