Caring from a distance

When things get hard

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Mental health struggles: what to do and who to call

Caring doesn’t stop when your child leaves home. As they step out into adulthood, they’ll face problems that are new, complex and sometimes frightening.

There’s no single way to deal with the hard times, but whatever’s going on in their lives, you’ll want to be there to support them.

35% of 18 to 24-year-olds in employment needed to take time off work due to poor mental health or stress¹.

Around 1 in 4 students report having a diagnosed mental health issue at university².

In their late teens and early twenties, young people may start to leave home, start work or go into further education. They may also move somewhere new, leaving behind a network of friends and family support.

These are big life changes and yet they’re often dismissed as ‘just part of growing up’.

However, some young people can struggle with their mental health during this period, so it’s important to keep an eye on how they're coping.

It’s not always easy to spot the signs that your young person is struggling.

Some things to look out for include:

sleeping far more or far less
withdrawing from calls or messages
losing interest in things they used to enjoy
negative self-talk, such as feeling worthless, hopeless or a burden
persistent low mood, irritability and tearfulness that won’t lift.

Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s worth having a conversation.

You don’t need to rush in and fix it – simply letting them know you’re there to talk can open the door to communication.

Mental health statistics – YoungMinds
Putting student mental health first – Student Minds

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Where to go for help

People are often reluctant to seek help. They may not want to make a fuss or recognise that what they’re going through is serious enough to need support.

Be gentle with them – tell them you understand, but it’s still worth making a call. Offer to make an appointment together or offer to sit with them, if they want you to, while they speak to someone.

Talking to a GP is often a good first step, as they can refer patients on to further sources of support, including talking therapies.

You could also suggest they contact:

their university or college’s counselling and welfare services
Samaritans – call 116 123
Shout – text 85258 - a free, confidential 24/7 text service, often easier for someone who doesn’t want to talk out loud
Mind – call 0300 123 3393 or visit mind.org.uk for information and support
in an emergency, or if you think they’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call 111, 999 or go to A&E.

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Dropping out or changing direction?

It’s not unusual for young people to doubt the choices they’ve made. If they tell you they’ve changed their mind about university or college or want to change direction completely, your first reaction may be to encourage them to persevere.

However, for a young person grappling with a difficult decision, it can help more to talk about what’s driving this change of heart:

Ask what’s behind their feelings – is it the course, the pressure, other people or something else? Could a break help, rather than a complete change?
Ask if there’s anyone they could talk to. It might be a friend, student counsellor, supervisor or trusted colleague.
Talk about what a change of direction could look like in practical terms – money, accommodation, next steps. This moves the decision from the hypothetical to something more concrete.
Remind them that many adults take a winding road to where they are now. A gap year, switch or reinvention can feel like a failure or a crisis, but it’s just a change of direction.
Let them know you’ll support them no matter what they decide.

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What can I do if I’m worried about alcohol and drug use?

It may be worth having a gentle, non-judgemental conversation if you notice they’re doing any of these:

Using alcohol and drugs to cope rather than socialise.
Increasing the amount of alcohol or drugs they’re taking.
Repeatedly missing responsibilities and deadlines.
Becoming secretive or defensive if you mention it.

If you’re worried about alcohol or drug dependency, your GP can refer them to local drug and alcohol services.

FRANK is a good, first stop for accurate, non-judgemental information on drugs and alcohol.

I’m worried my young person is in an abusive relationship: What can I do?
Abusive relationships can happen to anyone and are never acceptable.

Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual, and it doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. Friends, flatmates, and colleagues can all be exploitative, controlling or abusive.

The signs are not always easy to spot. Organisations like Refuge, Mankind and Galop have information about spotting the signs. See below for links to their websites.

If you’re worried, let them know you’ve noticed something. They may not be ready to talk – they might feel ashamed, afraid or not recognise the relationship as abusive. Try to find a safe, quiet place to talk and listen without blaming them. Don’t push them if they don’t want to talk.

Where to get help
If they’re in immediate danger, call 999, but don’t wait for an emergency to encourage them to get help.

Their GP can offer support and will have received training in recognising signs of abuse and acting on concerns.
Organisations such as Refuge (for women and children), Mankind (for men) and Galop (for LGBTQ+ people) support people experiencing abuse.

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Helping them cope with finances

For many young people, leaving home is the first time they’ve had to manage a budget on their own. The costs of rent, food and bills can feel overwhelming.

Preparing them before a crisis is always helpful:

Show them how to set a realistic budget.
Explain how overdrafts, credit cards, loans and buy now pay later schemes work.
Talk about saving, even if there’s not much to put aside yet.

If a crisis happens, don’t rush to bail them out every time. Instead, help them find other options.

There may be student hardship funds, bursaries or state benefits they’re entitled to.

Helping them deal with bereavement and trauma when they’re away from home

Bereavement can be isolating for a newly independent young person. They may be far from the people they usually turn to for support, surrounded by new friends who don't know what to say, and trying to keep up with deadlines. The same applies to other trauma such as an accident, assault, or any frightening experience.

Don't assume they’re fine just because they say they are. Grief and trauma often show up in other ways, including exhaustion, irritability, trouble concentrating, or a sudden need to return home with no explanation.

What you can do from a distance:

Let them know you’re there for them in person, at the end of the phone or on a video call.
Tell them it’s fine to come home if they need to.
Encourage them to talk to friends or trusted colleagues.
If they’re in further education, their institution may have welfare services they can use, and may be able to extend deadlines while they cope with what’s happened.
If they’re working, their employer may have an Employee Assistance Programme they can use for support.

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When you need support

No matter how old your child is, you’ll want to be the safe place they can come to in a storm, but that can take its toll on you, leaving you feeling helpless, sad, and unable to switch the worries off.

Seeking support isn’t a sign of weakness or a betrayal of your child’s trust. When you look after yourself, you’re better able to look after them.

A few things you could do:

Talk to family, friends or other parents going through the same stage.
Join a parents’ support group or online forum.
See your GP or a counsellor if the worry lasts for weeks and affects your mood, sleep, appetite, and day-to-day functioning.
Charities such as Mind offer a wealth of information and support for mental health issues.

Where can I find out more?

Mind	Mental health charity with support for parents and carers
FRANK	Factual advice on drugs, their effect and the law.
YoungMinds	University and mental health guide for parents
NHS Domestic violence and support	How to get help and resources to support those experiencing or supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse
AXA Health family health hub	Articles and videos to help you navigate family life
AXA Health mental health hub	Articles and videos to support your mental wellbeing.

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Support for our members

For members with an AXA Health Plan policy, you can add children at university to your plan, giving you the reassurance that they have access to online GP appointments and private healthcare, subject to cover options chosen. Please also note pre-existing conditions aren’t covered.

If you’re an AXA Health member and 18+, you can call our 24/7 health support line on 0800 003 004 and talk to a healthcare professional at any time of the day or night.

The 24/7 health support line cannot respond to emergencies. If you need an urgent response or have a medical emergency, please call 111/999 or go to A&E. Our health professionals don’t diagnose or prescribe, and don’t replace your GP.