Communicating as a lighthouse parent

In touch, but not in charge

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Staying connected without crowding

You used to talk about anything and everything, but now your child’s an adult you only know what they choose to tell you. The more you ask, the louder the silence.

Taking a lighthouse approach, gently guiding from a distance, can help you stay in touch and have healthier conversations.

It’s natural to want regular updates, but it’s often easier to establish a good, regular connection if you don’t push.

Try sending a low-key message, like a photo of pets or funny video, to start things off.
Ask open questions like ‘how are things?’ not ‘where are you?’ or ‘who are you with?’
Listen before asking more questions or offering advice.

Finding the right rhythm of contact
When they move away, you lose natural opportunities to chat like mealtimes and car rides. But, with trial and error, you can build a new communication rhythm.

Ask what works for them, whether it’s a Sunday call or a text every few days. Stick to it even when you’re missing them.
A quick voice note at stressful times like exams can feel warmer than a text without disrupting their schedule.
Don’t panic if they don’t respond straight away.

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Some dos and don’ts for having difficult conversations

Dos	Don'ts
Ask permission: ‘there’s something I’ve been wondering about – is now a good time?’	Launch into a big speech.
Listen and keep calm even if you don’t like what you hear.	Let it become a row. If you need to, pause the conversation and come back to it later.
Be clear about your concerns.	Fix the problem for them.

When you disagree about their choices

Before weighing in, ask yourself if their choice is dangerous, or just not what you’d do. If it’s risky, say so.

Otherwise, you may need to step back. Let them know you trust them to make the decision and you’re there if they want to talk it through.

Keeping an eye on their socials without spying

You may be tempted to track their activity secretly but if they find out, you could lose their trust. Ask to follow them instead, and raise any concerns directly and honestly.

What to do if they stop talking

If they’ve been silent for an unusually long time, don’t ignore it, especially if you’ve noticed other changes in their behaviour. Don’t send a slew of panicked texts, but do let them know you’re concerned and you’re there for them.

If they don’t reply, contact their college, university or friends.